San Salvador

I am spending this week in San Salvador, the capital city of El Salvador. Allegra and I are staying with a family and attending a Spanish school. Our house mother, a woman named Ana Maria, is wonderful. Yesterday at breakfast she told us the story of her son´s disappearance during the war. When he was sixteen he was forcfully taken by soldiers while walking down the street. She never heard from him again. It is possible that he was killed right away. It is possible that he was forced to fight with the army and killed later. It is unlikely, but possible that he is still alive somewhere. She does not know. He was disappeared. (People in Central America say a person ¨was disappeared¨ to indicate their passive role). I can´t imagine what it would be like to loose someone so close and to endure the torrment of waiting, of not knowing. I expect that there is a piece of her heart that is still waiting for him to come home.

Ana Maria, like so many others, has had way more than her share of grief. Grief doesn´t get easier just because there is a lot of it. People don´t become good grievers. The more loss, the more pain. Ana Maria described her despression with tears in her eyes.

El Salvador is a country of beautiful landscape, incredible kindness and deep spirituality (the name El Salvador means The Savior).

The Spanish school that I am attending is part of an international political organization. The political bent is very strong towards the left. It is committed to revealing the international wrongs committed in El Salvador. Generally, it is a political orientation that I agree with, but I am currently growing weary of the constant negativity towards the US. I know, better than most, the shortcomings of our country, particularily in international policy- but bashing the country and refusing to vote because it indirectly enforces an imperialist system is not a solution (this was an argument made by one of the American students).
I am stuck. I consider it a point of fact that US policies and actions are amoung the major causes of the war, poverty, destruction, and entrapment of Central America. The US has consistently broken international law (an example is the Hauge (sp?) trial in Nicaragua), and has created fiscal policies that are purely to serve the greed of wealthy transnational coorportations. America has done some very, very ugly things in Central America and it makes me feel both angry and ashamed at my country.
It is difficult to know how to balance these facts and the corresponding reactions with my feeling of gratefulness that I am an American. I am grateful that I have had so many opprotunities. Opportunites that I would not have had if I´d been born in El Salvador. I don´t come from a wealthy, well-connected family yet I´ve managed to complete and master´s degree and am able to continue in education. This would not have happened for me in El Salvador, no matter how hard I worked or how smart I am.

How do I balance anger with gratitude?

How can I share the pain of Ana Maria´s loss knowing that my country directly contributed (about $3 billion) to the army which committed such atrocities?

Being here is to jump into a swarm of paradox and complication and it is hard to find my bearings. There are no simple answers, there aren´t even simple feelings.