Now and then

This weekend I climbed Volcano Maderas. Allegra and I and our guide began the day at 4 in the morning. We took a bus through a washed out dirt road for two hours than began the ascent in the rain. The entire way we fought the mud. It was very slippery and wet (although thankfully not cold). We hiked through a banana plantation, a cocoa plantation and through a coffee field. We then climbed through the jungle with butterflies and parrots and monkeys. It was beautful, exhilerating and extreamly difficult. We reached the peak and used ropes to descend into the crater where there was a misty jungle lake. Going down the mountain was as challenging because it was so easy to slip in the mud. It took us just over eight hours.

Challenges bring out the layers of a person. On the mountain I was reminded that who I am in this moment is an acumulation of all the selves I have been in all past moments. Sometimes I think it is easy to forget my personal history. I look around and I think, "Here I am, a young, educated women tromping around in the jungle of Nicaragua. Why am I here? How did I get here?" The desires of my own heart can be a mystery at moments but the more I think about it, the more I see the connection between my present and every step of my past.
My brother, Dan, wrote a song about how quickly time passes. I thought it was a very reflective observation for a twenty-two year old man. I agree with him that the passage of time seems particularly pogniant in young adulthood. We find ourselves in adult bodies, doing adult things but in many ways childhood is still very fresh and present. It is easy to blink and think, "what happened, how did I get here, where are my GI Joes?" Culture talks about putting childish ways behind us and growing into maturity, becoming an adult (like it is a very different thing). I do not hear much conversation about a consistent self throughout life. Perhaps it is too obvious, perhaps everyone else understands the reality that who they are now is who they have always been. I am still grasping it.

I thought about this while I climbed the volcano last weekend. It took guts and will to keep climbing through mud and rain. It reminded me my days as a defiant child when I was determined to do something regardless of what the adults said. I was a good kid but I have always had a strong will. When I was in high school my dad and I had a lot of conflict. In his frustrations, his most frequent accusations against me were 1)You will not take no for an answer and 2) You can´t do everything. I often did my best to prove him right on the first point and wrong on the second. I felt like that on the mountain. I felt like I was fighting against a restrictive force by saying, "You just watch me! I will climb this mountian! I will conquer it and I won´t be afraid in the process and then you will see what I am made of."

Climbing the mountain took my whole self. It took the defiance of the child inside of me, the energy of the teenager, the strength of the track star, the fearlessness of the cliff jumper, the balance of the gymnast and the surfer, the discipline of the graduate student, the sense of mysticism of the Christian, the passion of the musician and all the other parts that make me who I am.

As I live out my twenties I feel like I constantly ask myself who I am and who I want to be. I am in an exciting time when i have lots of choices and opportunties. I can dream big or choose simplicity, or a combination. There are times when it feels impossible to clearly articulate who I am. I get lost and confused and I forget. But on the mountain it was clear: I am an adventuer, I am a strong body and with a courageous will and I have always been this way. I have always been this person.