China must have one of the most complex cultures in the world. Chinese people are very proud of their old culture- one of the oldest surviving cultures on earth, going back more than 5000 years. One university student commented, "Long history makes me feel thicker, like I have a better or longer perspective that those with a shorter history." At moments, I could feel the depth of this history, visiting the Great Wall and the Forbidden City, or talking with my new Chinese friends... A solidness and depth come with being part of a culture that has survived so long. It seems to give people a strong identity, or a sense that certain parts of life are permanent and can be deeply trusted. I think being Chinese has a very different connotation than being American. A proclamation of American identity may be followed up by a "WOOHOO!!!" or an "and damn proud!" Americans are eager to celebrate our innovation, wealth and center position on the world stage. Expression of Chinese identity would never be so trite or close to the surface. My guess is that one would express what it means to be Chinese by making an analogy with a mountain or an old, giant tree. A Chinese person does not proclaim cultural greatness but smiles demurely and reflects on belonging to a culture that has survived every conceivable danger. In this way, China is the tortoise and America is the hare.
It has been difficult for me to wrap my mind around the presence of the west in the east. In spite of the deep cultural roots and a clear desire to respect and preserve the essence of being Chinese, China also seems very hungry to consume western values and ways of thinking. The cities are thoroughly modern. The academy is thoroughly modern. I met a nine-year old who was beginning algebra; abstract, representative reasoning at age nine. She asked a series of questions about God, all of which were logically deduced, evidence based inquiries. Not that evidence questions are bad questions, but I found them suprising in someone so young who grew up in the land of Confusious. Her questions left very little space for mystery or faith. My wise professor whispered, "she is a modern thinker." In our seminars, we constantly got solution-oriented questions. “How do you fix….” “What is the treatment for….” As if there is an answer or remedy for human suffering. In every city I visited, someone took me to a shopping mall. China seems to be increasing western in its emphasis on convenience, absolutes, competition, market economy and linear thinking.
Linear thinking... but not freethinking. Blogs are blocked in China. I cannot view my own blog. I have to email my posts to Rob who puts them up for me. The BBC website is blocked. I was doing a little research on google and could not view about half of the links. For all the western influence, there is almost no evidence of movies or music (not that this is a bad thing, but it is interesting). While we have been in Beijing, many people have made comments like, "we're in the capital, and you have to be careful." I am not sure what I am supposed to be careful of... or what could possibly happen if I am not careful (keep in mind our objectives on this trip are to work with the registered church and various academic institutions).
China is a complex, mysterious culture navigating the arduous fence between ancient and modern, east and west.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Monday, March 21, 2005
Pile of Stones
I began to learn about China in Miss Montgomery’s sixth grade class. We read a book about Chinese people living in America called The Year of the Dragon and Jackie Robinson. We watched National Geographic specials and read Chinese poetry. The unit culminated in a final project for which I decided to make a model of the Great Wall. I checked out books from the library that showed photos and used them as the basis for constructing my model. My mom helped me make thick play dough with salt, flour and water and on a piece of thick cardboard I fashioned mountains and a neat little wall with several guard towers. After it dried, I painted it green, brown and gray. I was so proud of it!
Today, 14 years later, I visited the Great Wall. The area accessible from Beijing is a popular tourist spot. The base of the wall was crawling with people making it hard to find a space to walk. The walking was tough, the stone steps are uneven, and some are worn to the point of being slick. Parts of the Wall were very steep, I had to put my hands on the stairs in front of me and climb with all fours. The air was thin and cold. Elizabeth has an injured ankle so I walked alone. I walked and I walked until the crowd thinned out. As I approached each guard tower, I could see the next one which inevitably did not look that far away. I walked through six guard towers until I reached the highest point and the end of that part of the Wall. At the top there were only a few people scattered here and there within my range of sight. I walked alone on the wall. The cloudy day felt ancient and the stones were cold and stately against my palm. I continuously marveled at the incredible task of building such a huge wall on steep mountains without modern machines. Many people died during construction. Incidentally, the Mongolian army surmounted the wall and invaded Beijing. The wall, the only human-made structure visible from the moon, failed to fulfill its purpose.
As I walked, random thoughts floated in and out of my head… the human desire to defy nature… the challenge of protecting an ancient city… a ruler’s willingness to sacrifice lives in order to fulfill some goal… It seems that history repeats itself and as Ecclesiastes says, there is nothing new under the sun. As I walked alone on the highest parts of the Great Wall of China, I felt like a very small part of the cycle of history. Very small, but a part nonetheless.
Today, 14 years later, I visited the Great Wall. The area accessible from Beijing is a popular tourist spot. The base of the wall was crawling with people making it hard to find a space to walk. The walking was tough, the stone steps are uneven, and some are worn to the point of being slick. Parts of the Wall were very steep, I had to put my hands on the stairs in front of me and climb with all fours. The air was thin and cold. Elizabeth has an injured ankle so I walked alone. I walked and I walked until the crowd thinned out. As I approached each guard tower, I could see the next one which inevitably did not look that far away. I walked through six guard towers until I reached the highest point and the end of that part of the Wall. At the top there were only a few people scattered here and there within my range of sight. I walked alone on the wall. The cloudy day felt ancient and the stones were cold and stately against my palm. I continuously marveled at the incredible task of building such a huge wall on steep mountains without modern machines. Many people died during construction. Incidentally, the Mongolian army surmounted the wall and invaded Beijing. The wall, the only human-made structure visible from the moon, failed to fulfill its purpose.
As I walked, random thoughts floated in and out of my head… the human desire to defy nature… the challenge of protecting an ancient city… a ruler’s willingness to sacrifice lives in order to fulfill some goal… It seems that history repeats itself and as Ecclesiastes says, there is nothing new under the sun. As I walked alone on the highest parts of the Great Wall of China, I felt like a very small part of the cycle of history. Very small, but a part nonetheless.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
A place to lay my head
We arrived in Beijing last night after sitting on the runway in the plane for over an hour. It felt like a long trip. We arrived at a hotel illuminated with neon Budweiser signs. A bass drum beat filled the air. The lobby was full of men smoking and lounging around looking listless and hungry. We checked into our room which was dark and old. The grout in the bathroom was black and peeling. The place was a dive! Elizabeth and I double checked the dead bolt. This morning we made an executive decision to pursue an upgrade. Elizabeth called a friend from her church in LA who called her father who called his sister who called her daughter who is an influential engineer here in Beijing. She told us she would find us a new hotel. Several hour later she picked us up in her Audi and drove us to the hotel that the government uses to host foreign dignitaries. It is like a park. Lots of grass and open space (something rare so far in urban China). The interior is decorated with marble, crystal chandeliers, and rare works of art. This woman arranged for us to pay about $60 a night. We found a card in our room indicating that our room usually goes for $200 a night. It is all about the connections.
The woman, Lili, spent the evening with us. She took us out on the town which consisted of visiting several malls (complete with Chanel, Versace, and Chinese style clothing priced over $100), stopping in at Starbucks, and a huge meal that we could only eat half of. (Hmmm, just like America.) Beijing flaunts its development. The city is gearing up to host the Olympics in 2008 so there is building and beautification everywhere. I feel like I have yet to see the real China. The cities are veiled in a thick western make-up and you can't quite see the real face.
The woman, Lili, spent the evening with us. She took us out on the town which consisted of visiting several malls (complete with Chanel, Versace, and Chinese style clothing priced over $100), stopping in at Starbucks, and a huge meal that we could only eat half of. (Hmmm, just like America.) Beijing flaunts its development. The city is gearing up to host the Olympics in 2008 so there is building and beautification everywhere. I feel like I have yet to see the real China. The cities are veiled in a thick western make-up and you can't quite see the real face.
Friday, March 18, 2005
Around Nanjing
Today was our day off. Elizabeth and I visited several tourist sites in Nanjing including the Sun Yetsen Mausoleum, the Purple Mountain, and the Nanjing Massacre Memorial. It was a very cold rainy day so we did the best we could with limited time and the desire to not get too cold.
Sun Yetsen was the father of modern China. He made China a republic (before the Communist revolution). He is comparable to Washington, Lincoln or FDR. When he died, they created a huge memorial. It is an entire park. Hundreds of steps lead up to his grave. His marble casket is on display in a marble room. A life-size marble image of him lies on top of it. It is quite a spectacle. I put some pictures up if you click on the photo link.
Purple Mountain is so named because it is covered with plum trees. It is a huge area containing many historical sites. To amuse myself and a medium-sized crowd of strangers, I tried on a queen’s dress from the Qing dynasty. At 5’5, I was the tallest person in the courtyard, not to mention the only blond one. I put on a very entertaining show by trying on a queen’s dress
The visit to the Nanjing memorial well suited to the rain. The Japanese invaded China in 1931. Their occupation was brutal and mercilessness. In the city of Nanjing, over 300,000 people were massacred. The memorial is built over a mass gravesite. The graves have been excavated but the remains have not been removed. The skeletons are encased in a glass room and visitors walk around the outside of the room to view them as they lay. There are several skeletons of small children. To say that it is moving is an understatement. The museum part of the memorial contains pictures and artifacts from the massacre. It is similar to a visit to Auschwitz or Dachau. There are pictures of many, many bodies, executions, and rape victims. Many are gruesome. One famous picture is of a decapitated head sitting on a log. I wonder how often I have seen images like that in movies… yet, it feels very, very different seeing a real picture.
I encountered a woman who told me her family’s story. Her father was a leader in a political party. When the communists came, they wanted to arrest him. He fled, walking for three months to safety. He had to leave his wife and children behind in order to protect their lives. His parents were murdered as punishment for his escape. Time passed. He started a new family in his country of exile. After his children were grown, he received a letter telling him that his first wife and children were still alive. He arranged for them to visit. Apparently, this is a common story in the chaotic political history of China. I cannot imagine my dad sitting me down and telling me he had another family in another country and then telling me they were on the way to visit.
Sun Yetsen was the father of modern China. He made China a republic (before the Communist revolution). He is comparable to Washington, Lincoln or FDR. When he died, they created a huge memorial. It is an entire park. Hundreds of steps lead up to his grave. His marble casket is on display in a marble room. A life-size marble image of him lies on top of it. It is quite a spectacle. I put some pictures up if you click on the photo link.
Purple Mountain is so named because it is covered with plum trees. It is a huge area containing many historical sites. To amuse myself and a medium-sized crowd of strangers, I tried on a queen’s dress from the Qing dynasty. At 5’5, I was the tallest person in the courtyard, not to mention the only blond one. I put on a very entertaining show by trying on a queen’s dress
The visit to the Nanjing memorial well suited to the rain. The Japanese invaded China in 1931. Their occupation was brutal and mercilessness. In the city of Nanjing, over 300,000 people were massacred. The memorial is built over a mass gravesite. The graves have been excavated but the remains have not been removed. The skeletons are encased in a glass room and visitors walk around the outside of the room to view them as they lay. There are several skeletons of small children. To say that it is moving is an understatement. The museum part of the memorial contains pictures and artifacts from the massacre. It is similar to a visit to Auschwitz or Dachau. There are pictures of many, many bodies, executions, and rape victims. Many are gruesome. One famous picture is of a decapitated head sitting on a log. I wonder how often I have seen images like that in movies… yet, it feels very, very different seeing a real picture.
I encountered a woman who told me her family’s story. Her father was a leader in a political party. When the communists came, they wanted to arrest him. He fled, walking for three months to safety. He had to leave his wife and children behind in order to protect their lives. His parents were murdered as punishment for his escape. Time passed. He started a new family in his country of exile. After his children were grown, he received a letter telling him that his first wife and children were still alive. He arranged for them to visit. Apparently, this is a common story in the chaotic political history of China. I cannot imagine my dad sitting me down and telling me he had another family in another country and then telling me they were on the way to visit.
Teaching and Learning
For the past two days, we have given a training seminar to people interested in counseling. Our audience is eager to learn and very attentive. I have given four lectures. Three went very well. On the third one, I got spooked (as Al put it). As I began talking, I suddenly felt flooded by all the information that I wanted to present. I think I over prepared and then in the moment I could not sift through what I wanted to say and what I didn’t. It was like system overload and I totally lost my ground. I went on for a while, but finally I felt so unsure about it, I stopped and said, “I don’t know if this is how I want to do this.” I then I began to ask them questions about what they wanted to know, which actually caused me more problems. Chinese students do not follow a Socratic learning method. The teacher teaches and they listen, there is no interaction. When I paused and asked for feedback, they looked at me plainly. Then, one of the leaders got up and somehow encouraged them to give me feedback. It was awkward. Finally they gave me some suggestions and I was able to reconstruct myself and go on, albeit a bit hesitantly.
It was a difficult inner struggle. At the beginning of my talk I began to feel like “I don’t know these people; I don’t know what they need. I don’t know any information that could be useful for them.” I felt incompetent, not at all like the expert whose role I was playing.
I was selected to come to China because I have a significant amount of cross-cultural experience and a desire to have a cross-cultural career. I felt confident in preparation, like “I have seen places like this before. I know how to handle myself.” I kept telling myself, “It will be like this in Africa or that in Nicaragua.” Not to mention the numerous times that I have been to Chinatown or had conversations with Chinese American friends... I did myself a disservice by expecting myself to act as if this cross-cultural stuff is “old hat.” China is completely new. It is unlike anything I have experienced. I do not know very much about this country, its history or its people. I have to begin this experience as new, with the eyes of someone who has never left home before. Today, while I was speaking, I was overwhelmed with the uniqueness of this place and these people. Not the best timing, but a good lesson for me to appreciate the depth of this experience and how it is unlike any other.
It was a difficult inner struggle. At the beginning of my talk I began to feel like “I don’t know these people; I don’t know what they need. I don’t know any information that could be useful for them.” I felt incompetent, not at all like the expert whose role I was playing.
I was selected to come to China because I have a significant amount of cross-cultural experience and a desire to have a cross-cultural career. I felt confident in preparation, like “I have seen places like this before. I know how to handle myself.” I kept telling myself, “It will be like this in Africa or that in Nicaragua.” Not to mention the numerous times that I have been to Chinatown or had conversations with Chinese American friends... I did myself a disservice by expecting myself to act as if this cross-cultural stuff is “old hat.” China is completely new. It is unlike anything I have experienced. I do not know very much about this country, its history or its people. I have to begin this experience as new, with the eyes of someone who has never left home before. Today, while I was speaking, I was overwhelmed with the uniqueness of this place and these people. Not the best timing, but a good lesson for me to appreciate the depth of this experience and how it is unlike any other.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Last minute shifts
Ahh, cross cultural experiences... This trip has been in the planning phase for months. I worked my tail off for the last four weeks to prepare numerous presentations for conferences here. Tonight, two days before a three-day conferences begins, the host wants to change many of our presentations. It is hard to hear after so much stress and preparation. It seems like things were not effectively communicated in the planning phases. I am tired and half sick and hearing that I have to go back and rearrange my presentations is making me crabby. Tomorrow was supposed to be our day off. For the last two days we have been busy from 7:45 a.m. until 9 p.m. and I am sharing a room with someone so my "down time" is not totally mine. The introvert in me is screaming for a little more space and time. Having the added task of shifting the presentations pushes me to the point of frustration. I am trying to flexible, patient and optimistic; hopefully my forced attitude improvement will help me get my presentations ready.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Nanjing Day 1
Today we presented on program evaluation for Amity, a Chinese humanitarian aid agency. We went in blind without really knowing who would be attending or what they wanted. It turned out to be a great day. The organization's staff is amazing. They do wonderful work like blindness prevention, rural medical care, education, etc. It was a pleasure to sit with people who have such a genuine desire to improve the lives of the impoverished people in their country. I felt privileged to be there.
After the full day of training, Elizabeth and I went to the store so that I could buy a coat. It was about 36 degrees today, much, much cooler than we were expecting it to be. I have developed a bad cold the last two days. My raincoat was not keeping me warm. I bought a lime green down coat with faux fur trim for about $7. Of course, I had to buy XL because my arms are much longer and shoulders are much wider than the average Chinese woman. If anyone has any clothing needs, e-mail me your requests.
After shopping, we were treated to a Chinese feast by the Amity leaders. There was so much food. 20-25 dishes. I am so, so full right now. It is hard to refuse food, so the hosts kept offering and I kept eating. It was incredibly tasty! Panda Express is such an injustice. Some of tonight's dishes included marinated pigeon (complete with the head), fish balls, pumpkin soup, grilled mushrooms, shrimp, mini cucumber, and my favorite, duck tongue. The food was so, so good. I am currently suffering from the double wammy of jet lag and food coma.
I uploaded some pictures. Click on the "My China Photos" link to the right to check them out.
Insomnia
It is the third night in a row that I've woken up at 4. Yesterday I managed to stay in bed until about 6:30 then I got up and went for a run. This morning Elizabeth and I were both wide-awake so we turned on the lights and talked for a while. I thought I had a successful strategy. I have been making myself stay up until it is bedtime here. One would think that I would sleep 7 or 8 hours like normal. However, alas, then 4 a.m. comes. It is an odd time. Too early to get up. Late enough that if I get out of bed and do something else there is not enough time to go back to bed before it is time to get up. I guess one of these nights I will be so tired that I will just stay asleep. That would be lovely.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Hong Kong Day 1
I had a wonderful evening with Joy. We a ate a dessert soup made from boiled papaya, sugar and white fungus. Ummm tasty. We walked up and down the water bank and watched the light show on the skyscrapers. Hong Kong is separated from mainland China by a thin strip of sea, thin like a river. On the mainland side, where we are staying, there is a path along the shore. On the opposite side, the skyscrapers coordinate light shows. It has been rainy and dreary but cleared up tonight. The lights reflected on the water. It was beautiful and creative and reflected the desire to make this city spectacular on the world stage.
Hong Kong is the most modern city I have ever seen. It is shiny skyscrapers with sleek lines and reflective windows. It is a major fashion center. Many major designers have shops here: Versace, Chanel, Max Mara. Similar to Rodeo Drive. It is a mecca of wealth and capitalism. From what I heard today, there is tremendous pressure on this city’s residents to keep up with the lifestyle. To be fashionable, technical, above average. The drive to achieve and earn is remarkable. The city looks like a model of achievement. It is visually flawless. I find myself wondering at the cost that such flawlessness exacts on the souls of the citizens.
Hong Kong is the most modern city I have ever seen. It is shiny skyscrapers with sleek lines and reflective windows. It is a major fashion center. Many major designers have shops here: Versace, Chanel, Max Mara. Similar to Rodeo Drive. It is a mecca of wealth and capitalism. From what I heard today, there is tremendous pressure on this city’s residents to keep up with the lifestyle. To be fashionable, technical, above average. The drive to achieve and earn is remarkable. The city looks like a model of achievement. It is visually flawless. I find myself wondering at the cost that such flawlessness exacts on the souls of the citizens.
Hong Kong Day 1
2:40 A.M. on Saturday in California.
6:40 P.M. on Saturday in Hong Kong.
It has been rainy and dreary but it is clearing up to night. If I squish my face on the window and look right, I can see the famous Hong Kong night scene across the river. In half an hour a woman named Joy is coming to show me the night in Hong Kong. I think that just means a trip on the ferry to view the skyline, not like going out on the town. But who knows... In my experience, it behooves one to always be ready for dancing.
I am a little groggy right now. I just took a nap.
It has been a good day. Al gave a lecture this morning that was attended by about 100 people. We then had lunch with Fuller alum. It was fun to meet people who've had common experiences. Very friendly. Easy to talk to.
Elizabeth was released from the airport! Good to see her. She was almost exiled in the airport like Tom Hanks in The Terminal. She came to lunch without any sleep. I slept for four hours last night. I think I'll be adjusted by tomorrow.
6:40 P.M. on Saturday in Hong Kong.
It has been rainy and dreary but it is clearing up to night. If I squish my face on the window and look right, I can see the famous Hong Kong night scene across the river. In half an hour a woman named Joy is coming to show me the night in Hong Kong. I think that just means a trip on the ferry to view the skyline, not like going out on the town. But who knows... In my experience, it behooves one to always be ready for dancing.
I am a little groggy right now. I just took a nap.
It has been a good day. Al gave a lecture this morning that was attended by about 100 people. We then had lunch with Fuller alum. It was fun to meet people who've had common experiences. Very friendly. Easy to talk to.
Elizabeth was released from the airport! Good to see her. She was almost exiled in the airport like Tom Hanks in The Terminal. She came to lunch without any sleep. I slept for four hours last night. I think I'll be adjusted by tomorrow.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Arrival
It is 9:51 a.m. on Friday in California.
It is 1:51 a.m. on Saturday in Hong Kong.
It has been a long day! I've been in transit for about 26 hours. The flight from LA to Tokyo was uneventful. I knitted, read, listened to music, and half-watched four movies.
When we arrived in Tokyo our flight to Hong Kong was canceled. We did some quick switching to arrange another flight. I began to get tired. That flight was delayed over an hour. We arrived in Hong Kong after midnight.
Al and I traveled together and had plans to meet Elizabeth in the Hong Kong airport. She opted to fly on another airline. When we arrived she was nowhere to be found. We looked, we called... It was the middle of the night and hard to get answers. Eventually we decided to come to the hotel knowing that she had the hotel information. We arrived to find a message that she was detained at the airport without the proper visa (she is a citizen of Taiwan). She will spend the night sleeping in line in front of a desk in hopes of getting a temporary visa. If she cannot, she will go directly to Nanjing and meet us on Sunday night. I expect that Al will spend the next hour on the phone trying to arrange something for her.
Even though it is the middle of the night and I have gone 26 hours with only 2-3 hours of sleep, my body seems to know that it is morning in Cali. We start meetings and presentations at 9 tomorrow morning... er, this morning. I will try to sleep.
Hong Kong is rainy and humid!
It is 1:51 a.m. on Saturday in Hong Kong.
It has been a long day! I've been in transit for about 26 hours. The flight from LA to Tokyo was uneventful. I knitted, read, listened to music, and half-watched four movies.
When we arrived in Tokyo our flight to Hong Kong was canceled. We did some quick switching to arrange another flight. I began to get tired. That flight was delayed over an hour. We arrived in Hong Kong after midnight.
Al and I traveled together and had plans to meet Elizabeth in the Hong Kong airport. She opted to fly on another airline. When we arrived she was nowhere to be found. We looked, we called... It was the middle of the night and hard to get answers. Eventually we decided to come to the hotel knowing that she had the hotel information. We arrived to find a message that she was detained at the airport without the proper visa (she is a citizen of Taiwan). She will spend the night sleeping in line in front of a desk in hopes of getting a temporary visa. If she cannot, she will go directly to Nanjing and meet us on Sunday night. I expect that Al will spend the next hour on the phone trying to arrange something for her.
Even though it is the middle of the night and I have gone 26 hours with only 2-3 hours of sleep, my body seems to know that it is morning in Cali. We start meetings and presentations at 9 tomorrow morning... er, this morning. I will try to sleep.
Hong Kong is rainy and humid!
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
California identity
I woke up early this morning. 4:30 to be exact. A little insomnia can be very useful. I laid there thinking about whether getting up at 4:30 would help me adjust to the time change in China. Is it 12 hours different? 16? I thought, "I am going east so I need to get up later and go to bed earlier... No get up earlier." Then I was trying to figure out is there a point where you go so far east that you are really going west. And where would that point be? The Prime Meridian? Hmmm. I pondered these questions for awhile and then got up to get a drink and pet the dog. I went back to bed thinking about how I must remember to pack some diet coke...
Later this morning... around 8, I started working on a presentation on the role of mental health workers in responding to disaster. Worked on that for several hours.
I decided to take a break. I put on my swim suit and my new Guess sunglasses (purchased for $10 at Ross) and sat by the pool while flipping through a Vogue and eating a spinach salad with walnuts and dried cranberries. Talk about California moments...
Later this morning... around 8, I started working on a presentation on the role of mental health workers in responding to disaster. Worked on that for several hours.
I decided to take a break. I put on my swim suit and my new Guess sunglasses (purchased for $10 at Ross) and sat by the pool while flipping through a Vogue and eating a spinach salad with walnuts and dried cranberries. Talk about California moments...
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
BBC's coverage of China
The BBC, which is, in my opinion, the best source of international news, has been focusing on China this week. The series is entitled Changing China and has articles on a wide variety of current issues. There is a particularly striking collection of photos depicting poverty in rural China that powerfully combines images and first hand narratives.
The link is to the article collection is:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_depth/asia_pacific/2004/china/default.stm
The link is to the article collection is:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_depth/asia_pacific/2004/china/default.stm
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Things that should be
In the midst of my burnt-out, overworked, crabby stupor I have been loved by my husband and encouraged by my friends. I feel very lucky to have wise, patient people in my life who extend grace and quickly forgive.
I had an hour of quiet in a church tonight. An hour to talk to God. An hour to be still. It helped me to remember that there are multiple possibilities and I do not have to muscle my way through the challenges. The quiet restored a sense of how it should feel to live this life- contemplative, trusting, courageous.
Lots of things persist that should not. Lots of things are ignored that should be embraced.
The Sabbath as a day of rest, as a day of abstaining from toil, is not for the purpose of recovering one's lost strength and becoming fit for the forthcoming labor. The Sabbath is a day for the sake of life.
It is one thing to race or be driven by the vicissitude that menace life, and another to stand still and to embrace the presence of an eternal moment.
-Abraham Heschel
I had an hour of quiet in a church tonight. An hour to talk to God. An hour to be still. It helped me to remember that there are multiple possibilities and I do not have to muscle my way through the challenges. The quiet restored a sense of how it should feel to live this life- contemplative, trusting, courageous.
Lots of things persist that should not. Lots of things are ignored that should be embraced.
The Sabbath as a day of rest, as a day of abstaining from toil, is not for the purpose of recovering one's lost strength and becoming fit for the forthcoming labor. The Sabbath is a day for the sake of life.
It is one thing to race or be driven by the vicissitude that menace life, and another to stand still and to embrace the presence of an eternal moment.
-Abraham Heschel
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Things that should not be
The last ten days have been hard.
I am tired and drained.
As part of a class, I completed a burnout inventory. It indicated that I am burnt out. No surprise. There is no end to the list of daunting tasks that must be
completed in the next few months. More than the list, there is a
constant, ongoing, heartwrenching awareness of the brokenness in our
world. I won't pass on you the stories that I heard this week, but in general, life has been painful.
My clinical work has felt very heavy. Futures destroyed, families ruined... Broken bodies and broken minds. I am struggling to find hope. I don't see any in the MRI, or the neuropsych tests. I don't want to sit in the therapy room, I want to cry in a corner. So much has been lost that will never be regained.
Learning about China- a nation with a traumatic history. Famines, revolutions, wars. Tremendous death and suffering. Feeling very young, not very wise.
Thinking about Africa. A summer focused on trauma work. Murder, rape, civil war, beatings, car jackings, loneliness, broken relationships, sick children, poverty. Walking through pain with people. Feeling fearful and incompetent.
A weekend in Las Vegas. Gross excess, greed, selfishness, hyper-sexuality, hyper-consumption. The pinnacle of the ugly parts of American culture. Feeling disgusted.
I sit up straight and appeal to an invisible authority, "This should not be". My voice sounds like a child's; wide-eyed, confused, indignant. This should not be. Statement of truth, absolutes, pleading.
It should not be, but it is. Now what do I do?
I am tired and drained.
As part of a class, I completed a burnout inventory. It indicated that I am burnt out. No surprise. There is no end to the list of daunting tasks that must be
completed in the next few months. More than the list, there is a
constant, ongoing, heartwrenching awareness of the brokenness in our
world. I won't pass on you the stories that I heard this week, but in general, life has been painful.
My clinical work has felt very heavy. Futures destroyed, families ruined... Broken bodies and broken minds. I am struggling to find hope. I don't see any in the MRI, or the neuropsych tests. I don't want to sit in the therapy room, I want to cry in a corner. So much has been lost that will never be regained.
Learning about China- a nation with a traumatic history. Famines, revolutions, wars. Tremendous death and suffering. Feeling very young, not very wise.
Thinking about Africa. A summer focused on trauma work. Murder, rape, civil war, beatings, car jackings, loneliness, broken relationships, sick children, poverty. Walking through pain with people. Feeling fearful and incompetent.
A weekend in Las Vegas. Gross excess, greed, selfishness, hyper-sexuality, hyper-consumption. The pinnacle of the ugly parts of American culture. Feeling disgusted.
I sit up straight and appeal to an invisible authority, "This should not be". My voice sounds like a child's; wide-eyed, confused, indignant. This should not be. Statement of truth, absolutes, pleading.
It should not be, but it is. Now what do I do?
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